The sky within the palette

"Be careful with the face and eyes, it is the only selling point and our lives are dependent on it", says the old man, clearing his throat while observing the increasing rush of the festive season outside.

"Baba, would you believe me for once? I have been watching you do all this since I was in a cradle, I know exactly what I am doing", responds Vyom.

"What's wrong with baba pointing out, he has a lot of experience and his remarks will only benefit us", says the pregnant lady walking in with a cup of tea.

"I guess apart from me, everyone here knows I am wrong yet I have no idea what I am doing with my life if all this is wrong", Vyom walks out of the house and disappears into the crowd.

"This man is naive, daughter keep those brushes and cover the paints properly so that they do not dry", Guruji commands Rati.

"Guruji, can I ask you something?", says Rati.

"You want to know how did the child of a God's believer become narcissist or what he likes to call atheist, isn't it?", asks Guruji

Rati maintains the silence by responding with a nod, even though Guruji always looks towards the window but he understands what is going on the other side. As he likes to believe, "reading the actions of people I understand is easy and predictable so I constantly explore the world looking at strangers."

Hearing her response, he begins, "From holding his parents' hands to jumping high in learning and exploring this world, from asking questions for fun to interrogating about everyone's beliefs, he grew up. His mom left us, before teaching him, his learnings are wrongs and I was way too occupied to look for him."

Photo Credits: Vedpal Burrak

On the stairs of the temple near Howrah Bridge, a small part of the sky was staring at the warm, assuring sky above him. Though his name was relative to this sky but he was just another middle-aged man frustrated and in search of opportunities to run away from the world as if he never existed. He wanted to find a place where he can find the dreamer in him for whom achievements are his only desire and the rush to achieve them drives his life. Vyom was held in custody of all the responsibilities and his dreams tied with expectations.

That reflection of lights which look like floating colors made him realize the child is also blurred out of his memories. The child who was naive and unreasonable to believe that the temple bells brought good luck, the carved gods from rocks had some real meaning and power over the universe and everything good happened by God's will while the wrong & bad happenings were just accidents. The child's beliefs did not let him ever doubt his knowledge. Just like his beliefs, his thoughts kept looking for answers to satisfy his beliefs. Only in the process, he realized this world is full of imperfections and lies. The imperfection is beautiful in some or the other way but the lies are targeting the greater audience, letting one, two and more generations to believe in fairy tales. Tales which are flattering enough only to be published in a story book but not for one to build their faith over it.

"The waters are not blurry now, it is completely dark. I guess it is time to go back to a place where I give my most prized possession - time, to a stone which I know does not exist yet I am forced to sell it to people. It is wonderful how I can explain hypocrisy only by talking about myself", Vyom turns away from the waters with a smirk on his face. 

"Another day", he helplessly says to himself and starts painting.

"Here is a cup of tea", Rati offering to Vyom.

"Why are you awake so early, you need rest, you are just a few weeks away from being a mother. Do not stress yourself", says Vyom.

"I am happy helping you through your tough times. I believe in you Vyom but life is not a piece of cake.You cannot argue, avoid and walk away from your battles, you have to stand up front and deal with them. You have to settle scores with situations which never let you score. Life doesn't come with colors, it is we who fill it will colors and gradients. When the gray starts to overpower the picture, you have to understand it is time to brighten and strengthen yourself", says Rati, holding the confidence which Vyom has been looking for since long.

"Then, let's color everything", says Vyom finishing the last piece of his order. 

Two years later

"Hi Vyom, I'm here to see your dad. Does he still take orders for", says the stranger who is stopped in the middle of his sentence. 

"No Sir, we are sorry we don't take orders anymore but here is my card, if you have a bit of time do come to visit my gallery. It is a small gallery, you sure will like the intricate creativity. Please do visit", Vyom says while his heart is fluttering its wings.

"Sure, I am sure it would be interesting", says the stranger just before leaving.

"Baba, Megh's baba", Rati calling out Vyom asks him to hold the kid.

"Megh, do you know who are you? You are a part of me, remember this because I will let you fly like your name", Vyom talking to his kid.
 "Megh, your baba has learned the most important lesson of life and someday I will be able to share the same with you. Time is not the aspect one has to hold back for, your decisive moment is what one should wait for.", says Vyom while smiling and staring the sky.

Steps of Solace

*Door bell rings*
Mom opens the door, Kavya is finally home. She is almost an hour late today. I cunningly sneak between the doors, Kavya looks drained out. Mom thinks it could be because of the rain. 

I wonder how could it be because of the rain, Kavya loves rain and she is wearing a raincoat in this beautiful weather, something is wrong! 

I could not wait so I rushed to see Kavya, I over hear talking to her friend over phone so I stay to listen the conversation.

"It wasn't a surprise that it didn't work out, I have never expected much from me but but I am not even worth to be around kills me."
What is she talking about, I love her and I love when she is around, it bothers me when she is not.

"Something is seriously wrong with me, something just cannot be set right, I am just attractive and nothing else. I can't be loved, I can be liked but not loved."
Where is she getting all this from, I love her so much.

"My other friends say I don't love myself, well, I am not obsessed about myself, I respect and admire the person I am, what else am I supposed to do."
This girl really needs to start looking for better friends.

"I am tired now, I really can't fall in love. It is too difficult to be in love and I always end up with so much pain, I just can't try anymore. I just can't find new friends, I just don't want to do anything anymore. It has not worked till now, it will not work in future either. Believe me."
Believe me I can't watch you turn timid over the most beautiful feeling in this world, come to me.

As soon as she hears my footsteps she cancels the call and immediately hugs me, I can't see her weeping like this, her tears are very precious to me. We both sat near the window for hours, I shrink and settle myself in her lap. Staring at every dew drop falling off the leaves outside the window, she drops an innocent tear over me. I could never think the girl whose smile heals broken hearts is so badly broken. I wish I could do something and here she starts playing with it again, even though she knows that I hate it, she keeps playing with my tail. I don't want to run away now but she is literally forcing me. Forget it, I'm going!
Don't pull me back you mischievous girl, stop it!

"Sometimes, love doesn't climb up the walls you built around you, it will find a pet hole to reach you."

Colors unfurl itself

Once upon a time, in a well-decorated house lived a beautifully dressed girl admiring the reflection in the mirror and wondering how magical everything around her is. Suddenly, there was a loud noise on the door; the door was pushed hard such that the wall was left with scratches. The noise shook her and left her gasping for breath. It took her a while to regain consciousness.

As soon as she regained her breath back, she was ecstatic and instantly laughed watching her friends giggle and rush to her. They held her hand, pulled her from the chair and were almost ready to drag her but as soon as they turned, they saw the lady with dignity walk in, the lady of house, the mother of the very gorgeous girl who is being dragged. With her presence she was capable of turning down the noise into pin-drop silence.

In all the chaos, the girl with spotlight was slowly giggling watching her friends guilty in front of her mother. Her mother did not break the silence and just walked a few steps ahead, took a moment to gaze her girl, smiled with satisfaction and finally kissed her forehead. The smile she held was constant and was an implied compliment. She walked another step and stood behind her girl. Both of them together walked into a place decorated and enlightened with smiles and blossoms. There stood a lot of strangers who could not stop but stare and praise her beauty. "What a day, what an occasion!” she said to herself.

Everything looked so magical, she could not gather enough words to appreciate what she was looking at, while everyone else could not help but adore her. Helplessly, she stole a flash moment and flew back to her memories, even to the ones that were opaque.

She just felt floating in the sky and decided to paint everything she could recollect. The canvas was pretty large and her brushes never gave up on her, so she flew while she spread those colors in the air. Suddenly, she stood there trying to recollect her first home, the place where she took her first step. She had just started turning the blur film into visuals and she recollected one of her very favorite moment. It felt as if it was just a while back, she was holding her Barbie just after she ran straight from bed to her parents staring at the glittered paper her mom was tearing. Everyone was clapping their hands when her mom presented her a male friend for her Barbie. "Happy Birthday Anaya", she wished and hugged her. Dad kissed and threw her in air and then she just would not leave his arms after that. She swirled, singed, danced with her gift, she soon noticed that her gift was literally so handsome and neatly dressed. She could not stop but admire his significantly noticeable light brown eyes. As a surprise, she visualized that male friend to be so perfect that she imagined a friend like him for her as well. A friend whom she wished she would step in her life in some near future. These images were not just colors flying in air; they were everything for Anaya, the girl whose dreams were so realistic that imagination was left amazed.

She flew again leaving her canvas back to her present. Her friends could not stop giggling the whole while. She felt alien-like because her each step and accessory was watched closely by everyone around "as if mother did not bother enough", she complained to herself.

She tried escaping a lot of the people in the crowd like a soft breeze they could feel but not enjoy its presence. She had her tactics to skip them as her destination was not far but they made her anxious and the path longer. One step and two more she walked but yet it looked so far, then she could see her destination. It was more beautiful than she envisioned. Dressed in crimson she stepped on a stage colored in metallic gold and decorated with white orchids. Instantly an innocent smile lit her face and the colors were glowing all over her face.

The smile brought few memories and she rushed back to hold the brushes left in air drying up with the paints. She soaked them further in more beautiful colors to give her memories and canvas its life back. The picture this time was the about first she felt the same blush as she felt while stepping the stage. Anaya was sitting on the first bench of her high school, few months passed the session and the exams were approaching so Economics revision class was held. With the amount of creativity in her, economics bored her and made her drowsy. Almost when she was about to doze off sitting on the first bench, someone screamed on the top of their voice, 'Excuse me Ma'am, may I come in?'.

With the immediate effect on the teacher's face, a grin on her forehead and new nerves appeared strained out on her neck and later she started screaming back. Her sleep was disturbed by these voices and she noticed this boy from her class, dressed in shabby uniform and his shoes filled with fresh mud and stamps of a ball on his socks. Whilst all the argument, she could only focus on the color of his eyes, blue, sapphire blue; the style of his hair, simple yet charming. The tone of his voice, the innocence in his expressions and only after he passed by her, quoting "you're welcome", she smelt the fragrance of wet mud after the off-season rains.

She simply lost herself in the fragrance and could not really figure why he thanked her (she chuckles in certainty of confusion).

All her friends giggled after the class talking about the incident and her steps were slowly falling different, she was walking out of the class to rejoice the smell of rains again. He followed her, stood there for a while to see her enjoy the drizzle and just couldn't stop walking closer to her and whisper loudly "bhoooo" in her ears; she was scared to death and immediately turned to scream "Manik! Are you mad?”

There started a new story of the ground and goals. Among the chit chat he held his arm around her neck and she blushed as the world was a garden of lilies and all the butterflies were resting on her body.

She drowned in the feeling while she re-created it on her canvas. She finally felt delighted and allowed her brushes to dry now.

She sung her favorite melodies back on her way. She happily reached the decorated stage, started greeting people. She was enjoying the attention of all the people she had in her life, who altogether gathered just to celebrate with her and "the side-benefit is to receive such loving compliments'', she said to herself.

Every person in that room came ahead to give their warm wishes, some hugged her tight, some kissed her cheeks while few shook her hands, different gestures reminded how distinctively close they are. Within all the chaos, a hand reached hers. She held only to remember the touch and realize it was close enough just for a simple handshake. Her happiness disappeared within seconds; her smile was suddenly replaced with a slightly open mouth, showing off her milk teeth. "Your rabbit face is the best of all your expressionless faces", exclaimed a familiar voice. Finally she gathered the courage to gaze into the eyes whose hand she was still holding, the feeling was entirely different from what she had come across until now. The brown eyes, pleasing smile, flattering voice did not make her weak in knees for the first time. The melodies turned silent around her and she slowly stepped towards her canvas thinking of everything that touch reminded her.

It was probably the first time; she backpacked to go on a lonely trip. After her college ended, she decided before she gets busy with her corporate life, a trip is must for her. She needed the peace and freedom to begin her new journey in order to live better ahead. She wanted to learn what her parents taught her, 'life is lot more than the usual routines', so this trip was everything about that lot.

Leh-Ladakh, the place is so famous only for gifting its tourists the memories of lifetime but for Anaya, its significance was different. She had not just created memories, she started a new story. A story where two strangers met in a beautiful land and became friends forever. She never knew this friendship would last forever but destiny had different plans. She kept meeting him often and the friendship grew deeper with time and all their silly fights. The paints were turning dry and she was feeling helpless but this picture was the largest of all and the memory is so fresh that the pain craved all the wounds in her heart. Her hands were working to make it a masterpiece and the tears were keeping the paints wet. The picture was again shining or that is what appeared through her tearful eyes.

The emotions involved in the friendship grew more day by day, so the colors grew dark as well. Anaya knew she will always remain a friend to Aarav so she never even tried to pay heed to the unconditional love she had been holding since months. They stood together in thick and thin, be it anything until she lost her patience on a drunken night and admitted her love. The night was not dark as compared to the days which were about to come. She thought they were perfect but she did not realize, she was only a best friend. He just could not afford to hurt her in any possible way and hence he left like he never existed, vanished as if he was just another passing cloud for her but Anaya, she considered him as the only star that would remain forever. Years passed, these stars met and yet stood apart until today. The day when she was getting married, he stood in front of her on the stage holding hands. He smiled looking at her innocent face and understanding how surprised she is to see him. Aarav could not resist but hugged her tight, so did Anaya. Their hug convinced her they are truly friends forever!

Aarav turned to wish the person right next to Anaya, "the handsome man who took the courage to tolerate this foolish girl, more than congratulations you would need my best wishes Sir." (Chuckles). Aarav left the stage and moved straight to the exit only to re-read the message outside the hall, "Anaya loves Hridaan".

Anaya had her canvas painted completely and had been presenting them around the world during different occasions, each had a different story. Yet she exclaims, there was one story she couldn't paint. Her marriage ceremony was only in her head and it was far more beautiful than the colors available, though she did paint a part of it. She likes to recollect the journey of this part while she turns the pages of the ceremony album.

One such day, she was going through those albums and she felt an arm around her neck, instantly a hand held her tight and spotted kiss on her forehead, altogether. Though the feeling was not same as the first ones but this was surely for eternity and she understood after a very long time. She constantly compared her first special moments to what she felt with her husband, though the past looked perfect but she was happier than ever. Anaya had learned her lessons of life, she did not look for anything to be special anymore all she wanted is them to be complete. She learnt what she shares with Hridaan would only last for eternity because she wants to and there would be no quality or reason ever good enough to love him forever. Throughout the life, she believed there is only one thing that makes a person fall for the other. Now she realizes people only keep looking for reason because they want to answer all the queries but the only constant reason to love one, is the urge. The urge to keep falling for one another, the urge to put efforts to make their life better and watching this urges the other does not fall, they rise in love. Anaya gradually understood the difference between a special and a complete moment. Anaya and Hridaan both were complete as individuals and grew to not care about the society. All they cared about the completeness they share when they are together. This togetherness led them marry each other.

"Happy 10 years of Marriage, love", Anaya kissed him back.

"I had to write to myself!"

It just takes a while out of a busy schedule and a mind working with ideas around a group of words in order to express myself, but for others it requires more efforts than one can guess.
Mostly, it is the the courage to decide to express and let everyone hear you out and that happens only after one fights with their self.
Even though I can easily express but I am afraid to let people know me and I really want to overcome this. While I was looking for solutions and suggestions, I came across someone like me. The person cried her life out in front of me, she wished to let people hear her story but was worried for her identity, she is one among you all, she is just another girl of this century, she is just another one who happens to suffer through a life than survive.

Here is a letter, she wrote to herself while she was still in her mother's womb.
We both together tried to bring our emotions out in open, without revealing her identity.


*********************************** LETTER ************************************

Hi,
I am just a little older than you, I am the one who is living the outside world you never imagined it would be like. I have been you, I have been at your place wondering the wonderful things you will see once you are born and now I wonder why was I even born.

Only if you and I could interact, you would never wish to get born, the life I live today is incredibly beautiful but not as perfect as you wished. I live around people of different kinds, we use the same set of food and air to survive yet so promisingly different we are. It amazes me to see how easily I connect with them, understand their emotions yet my mind disagrees to accept their actions.

I feel sorry for you, for how and what you wanted to be a part of this world has long disappeared as my ambition to live for. I here live less, survive more.

After 23 years of life, I wish to tell you, life wasn't the fairy tale it was the crude reality that I accepted in the initial years, I knew pain and tears had to walk along more than my smiles. The words like affection and love came across to you through the medium of sympathy and grief. The smile you carried the whole while was seen as a miracle and you received more pity from people all around.

Just because you decided to take birth, I decided to get through it. And only to let you know, there weren't  a lot of people happy with your birth. I still hoped you were right, life may actually have some hidden treasures for me, but apparently, it turned into everything you thought never existed.

I was busy making invisible figures just so that I could play with someone, screaming out my school chapters thinking that would make the other noises disappear, pushing pillows to my ears so that voices would stop, but nothing changed. Soon, troubles came to me walking like I was waiting for them, more than anything I was growing with a heart shrinking everyday. Then, there came a day when things turned ugly and I did not scream my chapters but I screamed on everyone around, this time I did not let the noises disappear, I turned them down.
I have learnt a lot of lessons along and with each lesson, I became a more strong person and less likely to trust anyone. Even after making things right in my life I could not led my life where nights would be calm and shadows did not freak me out.
After years of struggle, I am still expected to carry the load of others' blunders, I still have to find solutions for  them , I still have to find ways so that they could live a better life, even if my life is unpleasant. While I was getting old, I thought I will have to take up the responsibilities when I head a family but I was wrong even there, I became the head of the family whose kid I am. I had to overlook a baby while I was struggling with the kid inside me to grow up in a day's time. I had to take decisions for the people who are supposed to explain me the rules of this world. I had to explain them the terms to lead a better life while I was not even half of their age. That is how I became ruthlessly arrogant, rude, drastically ignorant of everything that happened around me, yet used to break down every night witnessing my life.

Leading a life like me won't even allow one break down, if you do the world would ask you to compare yourself with other's life and I could never understand why. I did not choose to be an example, I did not choose to be an experiment. I am not afraid of problems but I am afraid of letting problems take over my life, I am afraid of forgetting my dreams in the process, I am afraid of never living a slightly normal life with such a cold heart and distrust.

I am sorry, I should have stopped long while ago, this is a lot more than what I should have told you. You are still raw, you did not had to learn all this at the very instant but only if you and I could communicate, it would have been lot easier, it really would have been.

I can't ask you to take care, I can't ask you to be relaxed or trust me either or believe that everything is going to fine, because it not going to be, you just accept it and if possible forget those fairy tales of yours.


Bye me!



*******************************************************************************

Inked Era

"Good morning Raghav", she said and smiled. Her voice calling out my name makes me love it more. It took me minutes to respond as I was surprised to realize how more beautiful is the morning to me. 

It is been years I know Vidya, but could not ever afford to lose this wonderful friendship we share, though her presence is like the most calm and soothing breeze. I am glad she has not fallen for any other boy or I would have been shattered to the core. These thoughts keep haunting me everyday whenever someone talks to her or she tells me about her social friends. These are my daily thoughts, even when I'm in a class or I'm walking back home.

Stepping inside the house does not feel good when even silence feels the need to be broken. Though mom will be back in an hour after her work, I still feel so lonely. The only laugh which echoed in this house and the only person whom I could share my thoughts with was grandpa and though he is not here, his presence is still along in each laugh shared here.

Today, few such laughs were shared at the dinner table and mom and dad were also missing grandpa, I wish he could know all this. Suddenly mom brought up a topic about his diary, the diary which has a world stored in it, it has travelled time all along with grandpa, he saw and the diary talked.

While thinking all this and with the immediate urge to share everything about Vidya that happened since he left us, everything I feel I may be right about her, everything I wish could come true, I ended up stepping into his room. This was the room which reminded me of so many memories that I always kept a distance off it, I may spend time wandering in the dark corridor than coming here which always brightens the whole house with moonlight as soon as I open the windows.

Spending a while through the old books and pages, I finally found the diary. Its cover looked as if it was sun-dried, it had so much dust lying in and out that I sneezed as soon as I opened it. A smile that the sneeze left me with, I was happy holding the diary and excited to read.

......

"Sat Shri Akal she said and smiled, her sparkling eyes and pretty smile is the best thing which can happen to me, could I have this for lifetime I thought", were the first lines of the diary. As I read ahead, I could feel the chills running down my body and then when I turned to the sky, the stars and moon looked more calm, the breeze felt more soothing."

I continued reading under the moonlight.
"I walked towards her when my teacher asked us to sit together, the moment was overwhelming. Though I had better memories with Kashish such as building sand houses in the park and enact as husband and wife, nothing could be compared to them. This moment was different, it was as if destiny walked along to write our names together forever, if that is how it works."

"Classes, notes and specially the homework of the days with one of us suffering from fever were among the best ones. Each day we felt a step closer towards each other, I kept wondering if this emotion could be the same forever? I was worried what I had asked for, forever itself makes sure there is nothing that can be like forever. "

"Kashish walked to me through an empty corridor on the last day of school, wished Sat Shri Akal as always and smiled. It felt the silence was able to scream out loud, I could sense the pain she walked away with.
I kept wondering for hours was it me, was it her, our family or our religion, what makes people choose to stay silent. I just wished if we would start again in a different era, probably it would have helped, wouldn't it? Thinking all this I slept, I slept for years while my heart ached with the pain of silence. The pain through which I suffered during my education, while I was trying to be responsible enough for my family, to be responsible enough to make a family."

"I woke up the day I felt the touch of care from my loving wife. She had no expectations and still held me as if I'm everything to her. That emotion caught me up, the emotion which was rare among the teenagers  college couples and even the workplace couples. The sense of this emotion itself made me define my life. It took me to a time, years ahead and I saw walking in a garden while we enjoy the lovely season of autumn and felt the sense of satisfaction that we have ourselves. Not like few unfortunates whom are abandoned from their partners because of death, misery, pain and choice."

"This is all love is about? Being at mid-thirties, holding my head high for having a loving wife, whom I don't care to express my love and a brilliant son, who wonders why his parents don't speak much, don't they love each other. We give him only one answer, which is the same we give to each other, silence!

I remember the time I was in college, the couple that started early, ended early because they indeed got bored of each other and thought if they cannot tolerate themselves now how would they do it later. This is what happened with me, we started early and I'm perhaps questioning myself are we about to end?"

"It is more 30 years for me to grow old and execute my future plans but I'm already exhausted. The stress of work, the count of responsibilities and the amount of finances exhaust me already. It is not like I don't love her, it is just that I'm too occupied with everything else. I have friends and each one does the same, so I guess I am not the only one but that does not at all tell me I'm not wrong either. I see her not taking any initiatives as well, I can easily blame her for all this. I decided to ask her only to receive an answer which surprised me, "I am already walking in the garden, it is already autumn for me but not with you, with your memories."

"She caught me with my own head, she reminded me of my own thoughts still I could not understand, still the words could not come up with a meaning in my head. So I decided to visit the garden the next day, I could see people older than me. They were walking all by themselves and turning to someone like them for a pleasant conversation. I felt disgusted, I walked out the same moment."

"Her answer to my question haunted that again led me to the garden, I observed the same thing again. Only after a while I realized, it is the same love that happened to me when I was young, with a girl who is not in my life any more and I wished I could end my life with the woman I still love. Look at me I have abandoned my love stating only silence, even after this I'm being prejudice to the ones who still want to love till their last breath.
Whilst all this, I saw her entering the garden, she didn't notice me because she was too busy smiling to the birds chirping, sun sliding in and out the sky and enjoying the climate, it made me fall in love with her all over again.
As the trees were shedding, she shed her smile the moment she left the garden. The answer echoed in my head only to make me learn I still have a breath and a life, I cannot postpone my moments for the day before I die." 

I turned on the last page of diary only to read, "I shall make sure Autumn is forever."

....

I could feel the stars gazing my eyes. Felt as if I have seen more than I actually lived. It made me rethink the meaning of love and what it does to life. I was reduced to the size insignificant in front of the earth of emotions, I could literally evaporate. Only after few breaths, I could actually step out of the world grandpa lived and sense love isn't a responsibility, it isn't a wonder or a gift, it is a soul of a relationship and it is our duty to take care of its health.

Wedged into Feelings

After a busy weekend, I was on my way back home, to my very  surprise I received a call from Fiza, she has been my friend from ages and to describe better she is my soul sister. She is one person who can read my nerves, well she is also a doctor.

I immediately took the call,talking with her made most of my tiredness fly away and when she asked to meet me I instantly agreed and I was keen to meet her at the same moment but I settled for tomorrow. As soon as sun took its wings high I pulled out mine to reach her soon as possible. 

Looking at her was similar to the feeling of a bird who reached home after months of wandering. There was nothing that had changed between us though we individually have changed completely. Our laughs, giggles, pranks were going at its best but I could feel the sadness in her eyes, I was curious to know about it, she kept saying, "forget it Rhea, it is a long story". It made me worry and I could not let her be more upset, I said "I want to help you find a solution". The reply was not at all expected, "It doesn't have a solution, it is all over, but my thoughts did not sweep out of my mind." I forced her to tell me everything, so finally she began.

"It was later in the evening, the day looked perfect and he made it amazing.
It had been days since I knew him, I kept wondering how should I approach him and he made it easy by initiating. I was shivering realizing his words are flattering me. I felt pampered, I felt as if after a long while something could go right with me, someone can like me, I can be special to someone. Days went like this, I kept hesitating to trouble him every day every week, I opened my heart to him, the way he understood it made me feel complete. The emotion I cannot express, he made me experience, it was not something that happens usually with me, it was something I waited for long and then when the moment arrived I still felt as if it was a dream and I wanted to wake up before I fall deep inside the pool of emotions.

I merely woke up from my dream, watching him fade in and out from my life, time to time, not many people knew this, but I'm used to experience this, this is the only thing that I was afraid of, but I didn't let my fears take away my hopes. But hope couldn't stand back, well even he couldn't stand along, how much could I expect from the hopes.

Being who I am, I wasn't able to give up so easily and then I decided to go against all odds, I didn't bother about the repercussions because either way I was broken, I had nothing more to lose. Reached him even against all odds, I was happy, I was happy to see him, I was happy to feel his presence and I let myself free of all the burden, all the worries of world to celebrate the day, but even the day had to end. He was just a step away, I took a step forward to let the space fly away , that step took me into a different universe, a universe I imagined to live together with him , where stars wouldn't fall but we would together make efforts to build, a world of our ideologies, a world more better to live.

I did not want him to appreciate me, I did not want him to notice me, but I wanted to know if my presence forces his heart to look for me in the crowd. But then, silence was my only award, I have always tried to understand the words that are unsaid but here my heart could not gather more courage to look for the meaning and I certainly made my mind to smile back on my way and let never realize him the pain I went through.

I was not disappointed because I was not expecting, I was not shattered because I was not even altogether. My laughter would always hide my pain, my glittering eyes would always smile to live happily in this fake world.

I have questions that are unanswered, I have emotions that were not expressed, I have memories to share, I had time to make moments but he did not let me, he let me leave as I was.
I still cannot hate him, I still don't expect from him but I cannot even pull him out of my heart."

Listening to her outburst left me spellbound. I never knew Fiza was capable of handling so much of pain in herself, she was the one who could not even handle physical pain. Watching her breakdown in front of me reduced me into half. I had no gestures or words to make her feel better, so I just stood up to hug her and held her as long as we could gather the strength to walk ahead.

Hopes re-make souls!

It's been raining a lot since a few days, I hate this. I should be there, but I'm no where. These rains are making me freeze and I'm just wondering for how long do I have to wait. 

Today, even the thundering couldn't keep me away from my seat. I may get drenched but I can't leave now, I can't feel my heart beats anymore, days passed but hope hasn't left me yet. Walking each day back home is more tiring than waiting there. That seat is now more like the sun around which I revolve.

It rained long enough, but the cold still doesn't let me be at my seat, mom stays worried for me, so she often visits with warm clothes and hot drinks to accompany me, but she cannot bear the pain of eyes stuck at the entry, watching me do this, kills her. But if I let my hopes die, I certainly would be no longer alive. What could a bare soul do, if the mind has given up the idea of experiencing a better day, for me my struggle is in my patience, I can wait long enough to keep myself going on.

The stars sparkle more in the dark when the world is busy celebrating Christmas. I have always wondered what makes one enjoy the birth of someone so much while suffer the pain of their absence when a close one dies or leaves. Is it the happiness that the person gifts them, so are few happy moments enough to make a person valuable enough to be celebrated for long even after they have gone?

This world I live in is mysterious as well weird, what may be right for one can be heinous for other, if its possible then I guess I waiting here since monsoon doesn't make sense for many, does it?

Summers are best, I can sit here whole day long to look for traces of my memories, could be called 'happy moments'. The only sad thing is these thoughts make me more vulnerable to get trapped in re-living the day, probably the worst day I ever had, the hour that turned my life upside down, the word that made my smile fade away.

It was a similar summer morning, I was about to go out to share college notes with Soumyak , mom had already left for office and dad had an urgent meeting, he immediately flew away when I introduced him the idea of dropping me. I remember inserting key to lock the door and suddenly feeling a strange force pushing my head against the wall and later being at hospital with everyone crying around me, even though I was alive that day, the girl in me died a thousand more times when my body kept letting me know the disaster it has been through.

I stayed still, but day and dark didn't wait along, the only hands that kept me safe from the world were mom dad and soumyak was the only light in this dark to lighten my smile even for a while. It took me ages to look at world full of unknown people and those hands were so warm that the world didn't make me feel so cold anymore.

It wasn't long enough I started behaving normal that a trip came along. 

 
Soumyak wanted to visit his grandmother and no one was available in family to drive him there so dad was accompanying him. It felt so heartwarming to see the two best men of my life to bond. Though dad hates to travel, but for Soumyak he decided to aboard the bus up the hills. It was only after that last knock in the front door by neighbors that mother collapsed and I almost lost all senses. They reached us with a message that the bus they were traveling back to home has met with an unfortunate accident and there is no sight of either of my men.

Since then, i sit by the bench in the park waiting for them to enter the city, that bench has become a seat that can't empathize but surely bears the pain along. I find weird sharing the pain with this seat, but I guess it's better than living ones and always beneficial as I won't get hurt again.

I can be strange to many or i guess almost everyone, but for me, my hopes don't lie on life and death but it surely lies on the fact I am not just waiting for them I'm also peeking into my soul to find a motive to live. I may be shattered as they probably have left me, but that doesn't stop me to step further in life, it also doesn't ask me give up the hopes of seeing them again.

Ah! Too much of wondering and self realization doesn't let me know what time it is. It is dark now, mom must be waiting and I have assignments to finish for college tomorrow. The day surely has come to end but my hopes will never....