Re-doing past

Today, my voice was stammering even though I was happy, i was in the air yet I was stable. A day where each and every pair of eyes stared as like I was the only star in the dark night,but this night didn't happen all of a sudden. It came as a surprise after a series of nightmares.
How could I forget those screams that reminded me of how dark I could be among those dead stones who are on top of world still happen to lie as most useless ones.

Standing here today looks like the world has stopped walking, they are still surprised and wondering how could such a normal person become the best of all. But its difficult for them to understand, to stand apart you don't have to be different, you just have to be better.

I still remember the day when the principal stood on this stage, announcing my name as the most in-disciplined and useless student of college. I was standing at the last row and according to everyone I should have been feeling embarrassing, but I hardly even understood meaning of such words. Those were golden years, each & every memory i have of it is precious. I was lot more amazing than the description of principal, nobody could tolerate me apart from my few friends and mom. So that kept encouraging me to be more significant.

It was only after the college gates closed, I stood outside holding my graduation letter with my chest swollen as if I have won something so great that couldn't be replaced. Though I hardly noticed, but even while walking home from the last day of college I was laughing stock for many, I guess that's the reason my friends also stopped hanging out with me. At the end of the day, it was me, I said to myself "Who cares, I still have mom to show this letter to!"
I ran to her, to see my house empty and open as if something priceless has left it. Mind kept saying, "Mom doesn't do this", "Where is mom" were my only words to the neighbors.

It changed it all, what looked like breeze turned out to be a hurricane. I was trapped and I had no one to grab to pull myself out, I felt as if this could be a nightmare but it turned my life into a nightmare, one that lasted longer than just a night.

But even the darkest night has a bright morning and mine was just a series of nightmares, but now i cared, i cared enough to bring change. Though the clock ticks were same but time was not, situation became tougher so did I. And through the dark clouds I walked directly to this stage today exactly after 10 years to face everyone and smile together. May be that's what mom meant, "Laugh can be infectious if you can't smile together!"
As always, she was the only one who understood me. 

She isn't here, but for me she will be omnipresent always.

Ages turned into ashes

The sun looks right today, the trees even look happy and birds enjoying it all but I wonder if it even matters now, it's all going to end soon. I heard the kids talking yesterday about the gaming zone, what could it possibly be that is replacing this happiness. I am out of my senses thinking of the massive destruction, it will be so painful.

Hey, look the cleaners are here! Sorry, can't help talking to myself, to enjoy I had to be alive but didn't realize these emotions will also crawl upto me. However, this helps me to attach to the kids visiting here. I can smile over the memories they have given me, even if tomorrow I don't exist I certainly hold something so worthy that my so-called successor also cannot achieve.
I have experienced the emotion of hurt, starting from the pre-school kids complaining about the swings and choice of game while teenagers and youngsters arguing over friendships and relationships. This friendship has been such a complicated relation, even the ones in their ninety's had issues about it and all them had weird reasons, those really made my day. I have seen daughters waiting for their father while hiding tears from family, mother running to find their kids and finally breathe in relief watching them safe & play here. Are those days long gone? The days where togetherness was everything and smiling represented happiness.

Oh, I remember these faces, wait, yes, this was the "Cool Gang '89" they look so grown up now, haha! They must have heard about the devastation, they are capturing the last glances and look they brought their little kids along to show their place of hangout. It looks so different now, the kids back then were so much of matter, but today I can't see those feelings, that innocence, or the excitement. "How good was it back then", is the only thing i hear most these days. Have I grown too old or didn't notice early enough what the world has done to its kids.

Probably it's the last evening charm I'll be welcoming, tomorrow morning I may or may not wake up to see the disaster. I hope the gaming centre can give happiness to this generation that I couldn't.
Time to bid bye or should I say signing out "The Green Park".

Still dreaming.

"You are going to die", I screamed and woke up to realize it may be a bad dream. I tried to recollect what happened in the dream, but all I remember was the scream that were still giving me chills.

It had been a while I shifted to a flat, no one was home and my breath was the only sound I could hear. Something kept me awake, may be the dream or may be the frightening scene outside the windows, it was early hours and clock was about to tick 5 am but it was more darker than night.

I remember reading yesterday in newspaper, it might rain today, heavy rains, dark clouds and lightening all reminded me of that dream. It's not like I never woke up to bad dreams, but this was the first one when something terrible happened and I can't get it off my head.
Out of all places, I still love sitting in my balcony holding my coffee mug, today the feeling was different. I was more scared than ever before, I was hoping to get over it once I begin my routine.
The clock on the table with pictures of my friends finally rang at 7, my usual alarm time and as I was about to reach the clock, my mobile rang, my head informed that today the company would be closed as the transformer failed due to heavy rains.

I was waiting for a holiday since a while but nothing worked for me and then only this announcement should made me felt relieved. I wasn't even able to talk to myself fearing I would remember the dream. As there was nothing else to do I decided to fall asleep forcefully.

Came running to the main door as someone was banging the door badly and the bell kept ringing as if it had stopped working there itself. My eyes were all swollen, I could hardly open them but then the noise freaked me inside out. It was an old friend, my best friend, but it has been years we parted away, he walked out of my life for reasons best known to him, he didn't even bother to talk it out. More than surprised, I was shocked to see him, I don't think he even knew my whereabouts.

It took me a minute to gather my thoughts and welcome him in, the first thing he asked "I had to bang because I am here since 1/2 an hour now and I was worried if you were fine." It reminded me how much attached we were to each other, how much we cared for each other and it brought all the memories back.
After a long silent hour, the ice finally broke and we started laughing like earlier times

Then he suddenly asked me, what was your morning dream about, I asked him, how did he know about it. "I know everything about you, answer me."
I smiled and told him what I remember, he listened to me peacefully like always and then he began with," Are you the girl I knew? You were the one who used to be happy, no matter what be the situation, you would fake smile and then turn your smile into the most heartwarming laugh."
"But I'm happy right now", I interrupted him.
"Yes you are happy, but not right now, you have been overthinking for a while and all you are doing is stressing yourself, I know things aren't happening according to your plan, but you be the Columbus and discover a new plan, probably a better one, the one even with hurdles will make you reach your goal."
I maintained silence, "Now you are thinking if you were overthinking, aren't you?"
I couldn't agree more and responded with a smirk.
"Think more, more and more you are going to die and the reason would be unwanted stress, worst of worst what would happen you would have a life that you didn't plan, isn't that exactly the definition of life. Atleast when you are on death bed, you would be happy that you enjoyed your life and with such a journey you inspired many other lives. I have always looked upto you and even today you are the one who still is my guide for all the worries."
I sat there blank as if he said everything I was trying to hear in that dream and that scream "You are going to die". The dream that kept me awake, which puzzled me is now solved all thanks to him.

Suddenly there was a strange buzzing noise, it was kind of continuous and I woke up to realize it was the door bell, I ran towards the main door.....

Memories is all I have..

Winning the race was an overwhelming emotion and I just couldn't wait to reach mom dad to show my medal and add to those 15 more medals hanging above the Sachin Tendulkar poster in my room. My sports teacher kept praising me for my excellent performance and somehow my chest used to get filled with air when he used me as an example of champion. Getting promoted to 9th standard was the turning point of life and getting enrolled in NCC was something that I could cherish my entire life. The smell of sweat, the scorching heat on grounds, the spirit, the eyes that glittered even in deserts is still alive in me even though today I'm no where close to it. Struggling in a freezing climate to move my fingers and fire bullets on the other side of border is my only focus yet I miss those terribly hot parathas, made by mom, after a whole long day of field training in initial days of college. And how can i even forget that boost up speeches by dad, oh my, its been months I haven't talked to them, I hope dad had visited doctor to check his blood pressure he mentioned last time on call and hope mom no more cries to sleep missing me.



 Oh damn, my mate, no! Witnessing death is so common in war field yet my heart shrinks every time, here we don't have groups or arguements, each one just silently goes to sleep while still hearing screams and noises of explosives in dreams. It was so different back then, I was the stud of my group and all girls tried to be my friend but the kind of people I was friends with, made every girl literally run away. Haha, I still have that memory in my head when a junior asked me directions to principal office and my friends made her reach the archery room, she was so innocent and that's when my eyes got glued to the girl who came screaming on my friends for playing pranks with juniors. Her confidence made me lose my heart beat count. Imagining my life along with her was my only idea and she agreed to it after lot of, and I mean lot of tantrums!



 The field looks calm now, but my leg is stuck in ice here. I didn't notice when did this happen, now I will have to struggle more to get this out of ice or I will be the cute snow man my kids try to make every year. Mumbai has always been a humid city so even in peak winter, they couldn't find snow so my little Einstein and Shakuntala Devi use those artificial snow cans to make their December snowy. It's all silent now, trust me this silence is the most horrible noise you have ever experienced. This marks the beginning of the storm and look here, the storm has just begun.



 After days, may be weeks, we finally won the battle yet each one of us is in extreme pain that we lost so many brave soldiers and there is no one who can replace them. I am glad we aren't asked to cremate them or meet their parents because for each tear they lose, I become more cold hearted. I can't even think of the pain when everyone at home will hear anything about me all of a sudden, ah, I probably shouldn't overthink and call them immediately. An urgent meeting has been scheduled now, may be I'll call later, only if we don't head to the war field again.

A smile that held me along!

Woke up at 10 on a sunday morning, all worried what will everyone say. Expected were those early morning scoldings , but hardly anyone noticed.
Immediately freshened and decided to begin the routine work. But everything was already done, anything rather nothing was required to work upon.
It's been years this has never happened, though was relieved but was missing being busy. Unable to find someone to talk, finally made plans to go out.


Walking past the door was the sense of satisfaction that was rare emotion to experience. This was the day where everything was available to do yet couldn't seek something good enough to do. Tried to work on thoughts and gather the reason for such unusual happenings. But wasn't able to move to a conclusion and decided to confront him.


He was the only person who mattered the most and only he could resolve all the queries. It all got burst out, "what's happening, why suddenly all this, did I commit any mistake, tell me, talk to me!" He said I am enjoying a holiday from my tiring office work, so I am trying to give you freedom from yours, as I'm already guilty you are lot more worth to what you receive. All she said was thank you while a tear rolled down her right cheek. It took her minutes to immerse into the emotion, she recollected every moment when she cursed her life is so unimportant, she cursed the people who didn't care if she dressed properly though did notice if the dinner wasn't tasty enough. It had been days she was losing interest in herself and now she was sure he still cared about her and he still loved her.


Days passed along, calendar turned a few months ahead and suddenly the phone rang, it said its an emergency please come to the hospital. Rushed without bothering about the bruises along the way and tried best to look into doctor's eyes but it was all blurred. The doctor pointed "hold your tears, gather yourself and go in." The distance from the door to bed was longer than silence after the call. As a miracle a fragile hand rose, it looked so weak because of the long suffering illness, it requested to come closer, she gathered the strength to say "thank you again for that one day holiday, it was enough for this life, I would wait to meet you in next life." His heart filled with pain and stammered to question her "but, this life?" She just smiled and closed her eyes taking a deep breath, that look on her face gave him the satisfaction that she was happy even on her death bed, he exclaimed!


When he looked towards the person he was narrating this to, he smiled and said "this is enough for this life!"