"I had to write to myself!"

It just takes a while out of a busy schedule and a mind working with ideas around a group of words in order to express myself, but for others it requires more efforts than one can guess.
Mostly, it is the the courage to decide to express and let everyone hear you out and that happens only after one fights with their self.
Even though I can easily express but I am afraid to let people know me and I really want to overcome this. While I was looking for solutions and suggestions, I came across someone like me. The person cried her life out in front of me, she wished to let people hear her story but was worried for her identity, she is one among you all, she is just another girl of this century, she is just another one who happens to suffer through a life than survive.

Here is a letter, she wrote to herself while she was still in her mother's womb.
We both together tried to bring our emotions out in open, without revealing her identity.


*********************************** LETTER ************************************

Hi,
I am just a little older than you, I am the one who is living the outside world you never imagined it would be like. I have been you, I have been at your place wondering the wonderful things you will see once you are born and now I wonder why was I even born.

Only if you and I could interact, you would never wish to get born, the life I live today is incredibly beautiful but not as perfect as you wished. I live around people of different kinds, we use the same set of food and air to survive yet so promisingly different we are. It amazes me to see how easily I connect with them, understand their emotions yet my mind disagrees to accept their actions.

I feel sorry for you, for how and what you wanted to be a part of this world has long disappeared as my ambition to live for. I here live less, survive more.

After 23 years of life, I wish to tell you, life wasn't the fairy tale it was the crude reality that I accepted in the initial years, I knew pain and tears had to walk along more than my smiles. The words like affection and love came across to you through the medium of sympathy and grief. The smile you carried the whole while was seen as a miracle and you received more pity from people all around.

Just because you decided to take birth, I decided to get through it. And only to let you know, there weren't  a lot of people happy with your birth. I still hoped you were right, life may actually have some hidden treasures for me, but apparently, it turned into everything you thought never existed.

I was busy making invisible figures just so that I could play with someone, screaming out my school chapters thinking that would make the other noises disappear, pushing pillows to my ears so that voices would stop, but nothing changed. Soon, troubles came to me walking like I was waiting for them, more than anything I was growing with a heart shrinking everyday. Then, there came a day when things turned ugly and I did not scream my chapters but I screamed on everyone around, this time I did not let the noises disappear, I turned them down.
I have learnt a lot of lessons along and with each lesson, I became a more strong person and less likely to trust anyone. Even after making things right in my life I could not led my life where nights would be calm and shadows did not freak me out.
After years of struggle, I am still expected to carry the load of others' blunders, I still have to find solutions for  them , I still have to find ways so that they could live a better life, even if my life is unpleasant. While I was getting old, I thought I will have to take up the responsibilities when I head a family but I was wrong even there, I became the head of the family whose kid I am. I had to overlook a baby while I was struggling with the kid inside me to grow up in a day's time. I had to take decisions for the people who are supposed to explain me the rules of this world. I had to explain them the terms to lead a better life while I was not even half of their age. That is how I became ruthlessly arrogant, rude, drastically ignorant of everything that happened around me, yet used to break down every night witnessing my life.

Leading a life like me won't even allow one break down, if you do the world would ask you to compare yourself with other's life and I could never understand why. I did not choose to be an example, I did not choose to be an experiment. I am not afraid of problems but I am afraid of letting problems take over my life, I am afraid of forgetting my dreams in the process, I am afraid of never living a slightly normal life with such a cold heart and distrust.

I am sorry, I should have stopped long while ago, this is a lot more than what I should have told you. You are still raw, you did not had to learn all this at the very instant but only if you and I could communicate, it would have been lot easier, it really would have been.

I can't ask you to take care, I can't ask you to be relaxed or trust me either or believe that everything is going to fine, because it not going to be, you just accept it and if possible forget those fairy tales of yours.


Bye me!



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